Twilight. A cenematic experience

Today I watched part of Twilight, the movie. LOL, by which of course I mean licking otter legs. I had to end the experience early due to the fact that you can only shove so much cinematic crap down your throat without throwing up into a blog and sharing it with everyone. Now this is sounding a little bit too much like cupchicks which I would prefer to watching the second part of Twilight. So here is Twilight, the movie, part one.
This fecking deer is grazing while Bella is whining about how she is dying. Then Bambi starts running and then someone jumps out and gives him a Jeebus hug and everything is brighty lightys. Seriously watch the movie. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS.
So Bella is talking to her mom and then Phil says "I love you both, we have to go" actual dialog btw. Then she moves to Forks and her dad takes her home. They have this awful conversation about blankets then Bella sees this frisky cripple outside with a moderately attractive Native American boy. Bella walks outside and the frisky cripple has an exchange of wit with Charlie the cop. Then Bella gets this gosh awful red truck and makes friends with Jacob. They go to a dinner where Bella is remembered by a waitress, then she starts shaking this ketchup around like it's salt, I rewatched this part like four times. She has no understanding of the physics of a ketchup squeeze bottle.
Then she goes to school. Everyone laughs at her truck. Then this politically correct Asian walks up and introduces himself to Bella. Seriously Eric this is Forks, go back to Chopsticks! Then Bella goes to Jim where she throws this ball at Mike Newton's head. Mike Newton is the most attractive guy in this movie, but Bella is only interested in godly boys who look like their faces have been raped by baby powder and guyliner. And she meets Jessica who is quite simply the worst character ever her dialogue sounds like it was never edited. Kind of like this blog but it was written by someone who has never talked to a teenager before ever.
Then Bella sees Edward in the cafeteria and meets this girl who is not important and this Black guy. Go back to Finger's in the chicken bucket! Was that too far? Yeah. She stares at edward and is all make love to me now. then she goes to biology and Edward is covering his nose and he's all "GUURRRL You stanky" and covering his nose and leaning away. Then Bella whines to her mom. Then Edward isn't at school for a while.
When he comes back he is nicer and they have the worst conversation ever. Then the black one tries to kill her and Edward stops the car with his hand. Then the movie is boring until Bella almost gets raped and Eddie saves her. They go to the hospital and then for some reason they go to a greenhouse and blah blah blah. Bella goes to the beach and talks to Jacob then quite ironically tells this one girl that she is "an independent woman" despite the fact that Bella is entirely useless. Bella goes to the store and then almost gets raped. Edward reveals he can read minds "cat". They go home. Bella uses Google and then suddenly...
Bella knows what Edward is is and they go into a forest for my favorite scene in the part of the movie I saw.
Bella drops her backpack and tells Edward everything she has figured out. Then he is like "say it out loud!" and she is like "You are a flaming homosexual". Edward then says, " I need you to know what I look like in the sun. Then they just start running with Bella on piggy back. Then Edward starts to sweat sparkles and he is all "This is the skin of a killer" then he spazzes out throws things around and they start getting happy with each other.
End

I am considering doing more blogs of this variety where I summarize things in this manner, tell me if you liked this.