Conversation Fails

Top 5 things never to talk about casually
1. For Women: Periods, tampons, Maxipads. Anything to do with bleeding out of a vagina. No one needs to know this. Just say, "I'm having lady problems". Men are terrified of Tampons. Telling a man, "wow my special place is bursting forth like the floodgates of hell, and it's like Dead Alive down there. You could bathe in it." is a horrible idea. Honestly that's just disgusting.
For Men: Wet Dreams. Awkward boners.

2. A person's sexual preference of being a top or a bottom, for both gay and straight people. This is soooo awkward, no one wants to tell a person whether they would like to be the dominator or the dominated. So don't ask. It's only important when people are getting really intimate, not at any other time.
Also sexual arrousal at unusual things, fetishes, any sexual dreams, and masturbation.

3. Experiences involving diarrhea. MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE! Or other health problems

4. Money problems especially taxes. If you are having money trouble ask an accountant. Also including what you have done for money out of desperation.


5. Your actual opinions on other people's religions outside of "Yeah, I haven't really taken the time to understand Scientology" instead of "You fucking kiddin' me brah, you Scientology and shit ,man you crack'd up and shit man! You all L.Ron Hubbard is Gawd and shit! Oh my motherfucking lord you an insane bitch baby! You insaaaaaaane bitch!"


And guess what I am talking about this week? Monday- Friday? Anyone?

Yes you, in the back who is black?

"These things?"

You win a prize. Consider awkward week begun.

Gossip

Would life be easier if no one kept secrets from anyone? I mean, if we went out there and just said everything about ourselves openly and freely?
No, absolutely not. People have weird secrets that others can live without knowing. So why do people feel the need to search for other people's secrets and dig into other people's lives? I have enjoyed the wonderful world of he said she said from the victims point of view for my entire life, and I have to say that I love it. From the "Did you really have sex with **** in the bathroom yesterday?" (honestly I heard this once) to the pregnancy rumor incident, being gossiped about is wonderful. Everyone seems to have some opinion of me, as I am an easy guy to judge. I see people talking to me like they think I will eat their unborn children.

So I am going suggest some rumors about myself now so without further ado...
Ten rumors I want spread about me

10."Robert Naylor is pregnant by immaculate conception. He will be having Ceiling Cat's child! "
9. "Robert Naylor had a love affair with a panda"
8. "Robert was adopted. His original parents were Lance Bass and Rosie O'Donnel"
7. "Robert is a stripper on the weekends, he has caused Robert Pattinson to swoon, Miley Cyrus to drool, and Zac Efron to jizz his pants.
6. "Robert is actually the fourth Jo Bro. He is hiding in Hendersonville because he is too amazing for the other brothers"
5. Robert is a mass murderer. He kills everyone who misspells the word Banana.
4. Robert has a second butt. He keeps it under his left foot
3. Robert can make people have orgasms from miles away. He just chooses not to.
2. Robert has never aged a day. He simply attends school over and over again doing different things every time he does
1. Robert actually care what We think about him.

Honest advertising

I saw an ad today for Church's Chicken this woman walked onto the camera and said "I loves me some Church's chicken. Mmmm Crunchy!" Yes she was black. This is the most honest advertising on television today and i think there should be more of it. Here are some suggestions to 10 popular companies

1. Mc. Donald's
"Our food will fuck you up for life, but it doesn't taste very bad."
2. Slyvan Learning Center
"We'll make your lazy child study under the watchful eyes of our creepy Indian tutors, who will constantly say "You are dooo-ing it wrong" until their soul is crushed and they become school robots"
3. Viagra
"It will give you this freaky, raging boner for like seven hours of eldersex"
4.Wendy's
"Our food is really kind of crappy, but we do have frosties"
5. Cocoa Puffs
"This cereal will make your kids so hyper they will explode, therefore ending the financial burden"
6. Wii
" Three weeks of unceasing fun and then you realize it's not, and wonder why you bought one"
7. Walmart
"Our wage slavery is your baragain, come walk on the faces of our employees by buying some of our undercut products that will destroy small businesses and exploit China"
8. All State
"Your in good hands until you get in a crash, then it's your fecking problem"
9.Beneful
" Are you thinking Disgusting food with nutrients that dog is really not enjoying?"
10. Taco Bell
"No self respecting mexican would work here"

Nothing in particular

My pants are going to hanging on a wall at my school's cafeteria and I am mad at my schools principal. Honestly when you are a homophobic skank, you are bound to get blogged about. Apparently she completely rejected the idea about the day of silence, because she said that it would be to contraversial or because she is a complete bigot or whatever the crap she said. What a whore/sham. That was Hendersonville Joke sorry majority of my readers. But anyway can you feel my frown right now?
It's a very positive movement to bring attention to gay bashing and try to put an end to it, not saying that gay people should be allowed to sexytime on her desk. I mean really, you can't be any more homophobic if you reject an anti bullying movement. She apparently flipped out, and wanted it to be completely ignored, so that noone would hear about the cause. See what I mean, total whore/sham.
Anyway I have the talent show tommorow so this blog must suffer. Sorry faithful reader.

Career Option 2: Gold Digging

I think I like this career thing I'm going to roll with it until I get a better idea. (Give me your suggestions!)

First of all some statistics...
49% of women who make $100,000 dollars or more are unmarried. And probably sex starved.
This is believed to be because 75% percent of men prefer a woman who makes a lower income than they do. Personally I think that this is because men are really, really stupid.

If these women are so lonely all a guy would have to do to satisfy them is do a little dance, make a little love, and earn their inheritance. All I have to do is bait myself up for some cougars, really old ones who can't get preggers. I just get em happy and get their money.

That's right I want to be the first male gold digger. I won't even need to go to school, I just need to work out a lot and practice flirting. That's like a million dollar income! All I have to do is feign attraction and love, and I am a brilliant actor. How is that for a job?

I can even do some dancing so they really like they way I look, and they are so tempted that they feel the requirement to sex me. And I will live the life of luzary. I will save money I ear nfrom this venture too. I will be amazingly rich. Tell me what you think.

Career Option 1: Motivational poster maker

I am going to show of some of my career oriented skills every week. This week is the motivational poster making skill. Here are some examples of familiar motivational poster styles.

1. The talking animal. . They say something cute that is supposed to inspire you.

2.The BE YOURSELF! This one is self explanatory

3.The famous person If they did it you can too!

4.The Song lyric incorporation Don't Stop Believin'

5.The Jesus For Catholic schools


Yeah this blog took a long time to make. So what did you think? It's really short but trust me this took forever

This is the way I am

I don't even know how people find out about my blog but apparently I have seven followers. HIGH SCORE! Anyway I think since I am happy about getting seven followers and I am just happy today I thought I should talk about weird things to scare my followers away!
So 40 things that make me abnormally weird... this list long and ridiculous and will serve as a guide to whether or not people should read this blog. And as the introduction I never did. Since fame is on the horizon.
- I'm a vegetarian. And I am also not fucking scared of him. However she does not want to touch me Wa oh or love me wa oh
-I have irrational fears of dolls, grasshopper, geese, and guys who choose to wear crocs, overalls, and saggy pants
- I have like seven shirts that I wear and no other ones. MALL TRIP DIS WEEKEND. One of those shirts is a Charlie the Unicorn shirt that without fail makes everyone immediately love me for five seconds. They say everythime "OH MAH GAWD THAT SHIRT IS AWESOME".
- I facebook stalk all of the people who friend request me who I don't know, and will even talk to them on occasion.
- I was born deformed nipples. I also am murdering a beerless belly right now through...
- Exercise TV videos involving dancing. Especially those with Bollywood in them. Dance club are pretty Badass though
- I was kissraped as a Kindergartner by this girl who liked Ketchup on her Pizza.
-My second "barely" (as in a peck) kiss was with my cousin
- My third "barely" ( as in a peck) kiss was with a guy, also kissraped
- I have several characters that I let enter everyday conversation. "I made a pony... and now it's a unicorn" and "I'M ON AN EFFING WALRUS!"
- I give a voice to my dog so I can converserse with him "Uh, Mr. Robert? Are you sure those are your pants because a lot like Mr. Gerald's pants"
- People tell me I smell good when I sweat
- People like to sit next to me and smell me when I sweat.
- I have a monobrow. Which I can roll like the ocean.
- I hate potatoes
-The smell of bananas kind of turns me on. This just got so awkward. Let's continue in this manner. If I still have seven followers the world has gone insane.
-I have on occasion kissed my reflection for practice.
-I have dreams that I am also a person named Kyle Hawthorne, a nudist who attends public school, does drugs, and plays the legs of a crippled girl in a revival of Pushing Daisies.Oh and he and Kristin Chenowith date sometimes.
-Occasionally I pretend that I am a ghetto latin girl when talking to telemarketers "I gonna take you back to Mexico and kill yo ass!"
-Same as the last but an Indian man "Oh me gawd. You are selling Male Enhancement, may I buy some for my young son
- I love Final Fantasy. That's weird enough.
- I still love NSYNC. OMG Bye, bye, bye OMG
-I can say the alphabet backwards faster than forwards
- I memorized all of the Weird Al Song "Trapped in the drive through"
-I punched a guy in the face. Not because he was ginger, but because he had no soul.
- I talk to myself more than I talk to other people
-My music collection is weird honesly who listens to songs like "Show Me Your Genitals" and "*censored tomorrow's blog censored*
- I know most of the Single Ladies dance
- Same as above, but Bad Romance and the majority of it
-I never wear matching socks
-I love making my own meanings for peoples random "efcedeswhs" stuff "Every fat child eats donuts every Saturday while having sex" or "sghyvcnrt" is "South Georgia's hot young voluptuous children need rape tazers"
-I shave awkward hair places. like my enormous... legs
-I can legitimately say that I have no shame
- I can sing both soprano parts and tenor parts
-I love talking to strangers (you think?)
-I hate styrofoam, Walmart and anyone who dislikes anyone for anything about them based on prejudice
-I don't actually care about religion at all, which a lot of people dislike about me. Why worry about religion?
-I have never had a romantic kiss, or been in a real relationship, but have still had enormous romantic disappointments
- Llamas
- I actually think people care about this stuff about me.

Twilight. A cenematic experience

Today I watched part of Twilight, the movie. LOL, by which of course I mean licking otter legs. I had to end the experience early due to the fact that you can only shove so much cinematic crap down your throat without throwing up into a blog and sharing it with everyone. Now this is sounding a little bit too much like cupchicks which I would prefer to watching the second part of Twilight. So here is Twilight, the movie, part one.
This fecking deer is grazing while Bella is whining about how she is dying. Then Bambi starts running and then someone jumps out and gives him a Jeebus hug and everything is brighty lightys. Seriously watch the movie. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS.
So Bella is talking to her mom and then Phil says "I love you both, we have to go" actual dialog btw. Then she moves to Forks and her dad takes her home. They have this awful conversation about blankets then Bella sees this frisky cripple outside with a moderately attractive Native American boy. Bella walks outside and the frisky cripple has an exchange of wit with Charlie the cop. Then Bella gets this gosh awful red truck and makes friends with Jacob. They go to a dinner where Bella is remembered by a waitress, then she starts shaking this ketchup around like it's salt, I rewatched this part like four times. She has no understanding of the physics of a ketchup squeeze bottle.
Then she goes to school. Everyone laughs at her truck. Then this politically correct Asian walks up and introduces himself to Bella. Seriously Eric this is Forks, go back to Chopsticks! Then Bella goes to Jim where she throws this ball at Mike Newton's head. Mike Newton is the most attractive guy in this movie, but Bella is only interested in godly boys who look like their faces have been raped by baby powder and guyliner. And she meets Jessica who is quite simply the worst character ever her dialogue sounds like it was never edited. Kind of like this blog but it was written by someone who has never talked to a teenager before ever.
Then Bella sees Edward in the cafeteria and meets this girl who is not important and this Black guy. Go back to Finger's in the chicken bucket! Was that too far? Yeah. She stares at edward and is all make love to me now. then she goes to biology and Edward is covering his nose and he's all "GUURRRL You stanky" and covering his nose and leaning away. Then Bella whines to her mom. Then Edward isn't at school for a while.
When he comes back he is nicer and they have the worst conversation ever. Then the black one tries to kill her and Edward stops the car with his hand. Then the movie is boring until Bella almost gets raped and Eddie saves her. They go to the hospital and then for some reason they go to a greenhouse and blah blah blah. Bella goes to the beach and talks to Jacob then quite ironically tells this one girl that she is "an independent woman" despite the fact that Bella is entirely useless. Bella goes to the store and then almost gets raped. Edward reveals he can read minds "cat". They go home. Bella uses Google and then suddenly...
Bella knows what Edward is is and they go into a forest for my favorite scene in the part of the movie I saw.
Bella drops her backpack and tells Edward everything she has figured out. Then he is like "say it out loud!" and she is like "You are a flaming homosexual". Edward then says, " I need you to know what I look like in the sun. Then they just start running with Bella on piggy back. Then Edward starts to sweat sparkles and he is all "This is the skin of a killer" then he spazzes out throws things around and they start getting happy with each other.
End

I am considering doing more blogs of this variety where I summarize things in this manner, tell me if you liked this.

Do the Hellen Keller

I'm currently blogging while reading an article about Hellen Keller

Why did Hellen Keller's dog kill itself?
Because it's name was ahfjgIUAGFSAFHWEF

How did Hellen Keller's parent's punish her?
They told her to find the corner of a circular room.

But honestly why do we remember Hellen Keller. Because she learned to speak despite impossible odds. Why then, does nothing that Hellen Keller do after she goes to college make it into out history textbooks? Because she was a socialist. And everyone knows that socialists are pure evil.

So hold back your children, because I am a socialist. I think medicine should be free and college should be cheap. I think the poor deserve health and education just as much as everyone else does. Financial aid is not good enough. And the healthcare plan should be socialized.

The fact that it is not, at all, similar to what Europe has, seems not to have been told to the Tea Party.

So do the Hellen Keller and think socialist!

Anyway I'm struggling for topics. Any suggestions? Leave them in the comments

AH! 5 Minutes to blog

What do I say in 5 minutes?
My brother came back today, which is a bother with a r that stands for ridiculous. AH That's it I'll do a chatspeak translations! Okay here goes. umm.
ROFL
Riding on fucking llama.
Ha that was pretty funny no?
Shortest blog yet. Brother was home, pressed for time.
Hearts and love and all that jazz.

Reverting to childhood

Today I am going to review my favorites from childhood and explain why they were either good or awful. This one is longer so I'll begin
Music
Britney Spears
Still good, but not for the same reasons. She is now good for being slutty sounding and catchy. She used to be pretty bad.
Backstreet Boys
Um not so much. They had an okay sound but they just tickled my young love for harmonies
* NSYNC
Still Amazing. Honestly go listen to Bye, Bye, Bye right now and tell me you don't love it. They could dance too. They were awesome. Now I want to do the pop dance for the talent show next year. LOVE THEM
Aaron Carter
He is like Justin Bieber's inspiration. SOOOO BADDD. He sounds like a four year old Kareoke party.
Destiny's Child
Survivor was really good.So was say my name. I actually am buying those songs. Sue me I loved me.

TV Shows
Powerpuff Girls
Oh my gosh this show was so good. Great dialouge, cool fight scenes. I used to get laughed at for watching this, yet I still stand by it proudly
Courage the Cowardly Dog
Still great. NAUGHTY. Go watch that one now. It's really good. I love courage and Muriel and Eustice. Flantasy flan.
Scooby Doo
This show was a big formula every episode was the exact same. But I did love the characters, that's all this show had going for it.
Winnie the Pooh
Aw. I loved Eeyore. This show was so precious, not great but at least very memorable.

Books
Goosebumps
Hahaha. Go to Blogger Beware. This series was bad
Harry Potter
OMG. THE BEST THING EVER
Magic Treehouse
Not good.

This blog was not great. Tommorows will be better! I SWEAR

FOXES ARE DUMB

Let's get this going. 20 Reason why I hate fox
20. They cancel good TV shows. Like Firefly and Wonderfalls. Honestly Fox. You suck.
19. Bill O'Reilly. Some people would think I would put this closer to number one. However Bill O'Reilly is the most moderate conservative on the damn channel and he spent 4 shows talking about how Dumbledore was indoctrinating children into Homosexuality. Compared to some of the later numbers he is tea and cookies.
18.The blatant homophobia of the channel itself. Honestly when you cover a non existent tea party protest and ignore the massive gay rights march. Oh yeah and there were some gays that marched around being all silly and homosexual this weekend, but some tea party people were here a few minutes ago. Honestly, we're not talking about Paris Hilton. You can't film a discarded thong or the general odor of ignorant anger and call that news.
17. the focus on the Tea Party movement. Honestly you expect anyone to care about people marching around saying "What do we want, NO NEGROS IN POL-IT-ICS! OR YOU KNOW TAXES" and carrying ar0und signs that say "We are the jews for Obama's ovens"? What's worse is they criticize other news stations for ignoring protests as small as 500 people. Honestly why did Fox miss my pep rally, there were a bunch of people yelling there? 500 can't be ignored!
16.They fired Colmes. He was the only Liberal employee of the station. Seriously. The only one.
15. They lied about Obama's Healthcare plan to the point of making it look like he said the opposite of what he said. Basically one in the interview he looked at the teleprompter and read that people were asking whether or or not "I would like a Healthcare system similar to those in Europe" (<--- That is what Fox quoted) A question to which he answered no. They totally lied about what he said and sparked a lot of people babbling about nothing, when really Obama was talking about making a more affordable system
14. They basically organized an anti Obama protest.
13.Ann Coulter's opinion seems to be valued on this channel.
12. They hate Lesbians. (See yesterday)
11. They source conservatively. This means that they gather their information in a way that will present a conservative bias. No other news company sources as biasedly as Fox does.
10. During Obama's Campaign they did a story on his taste in music and how it was evil. Obama says that Ludacris is a good musician but Ludacris says lyrics refering to women as bitches and hos, therefore Obama is pimp.
9. They corrupted the innocent fox's name by associating it with their news station. Next they will refer to rape as "Narwhal" and murder as "Armadillo". and genocide as "Puggle".
8. They gave Birthers a bunch of airtime
7. They eat children.
6. Sean Hannity. Totally uniformed. A total idiot. No seriously watch his show he is a Fecking dumbess.
5. They call other news station Liberally Biased, when they hire no liberals and expect not to be called a conservative news station.
4. They say that they interview people of all points of view. This is true but they will say "Here is a treasonous bastard who says John McCain was a bad soldier"
3. Sarah Palin. Honestly this woman is the worst thing to politics ever. she gets her own blog badmouthing her in funny ways
2. Glenn beck. HUGE ASSHOLE
1. They say they are fair and balanced

Sexy Tuesday! TV Edition

This is Sexy Saturday but with a Tuesday twist. Before I go and tell you about what you should and should not be watching, I have sad news. My fish Charleston died today and I thought I should give him a moment of ellipsis...

Anyway before this gets too depressing let me tell you today's categories. Two shows you probably missed, 8 canceled shows you absolutely must get into, and what you should and should not be watching on TV at the moment.

Before I begin let me tell you this: I really, REALLY hate Fox. While this is for a variety of reasons, I will probably use that as my blog tomorrow, So I will focus on the fact that they kill their best shows! You might say, oh the shows just don't get viewers. No. Fox Murders them. You will see what I mean. Basically they take shows that they personally don't like for whatever reason, and place them in the worst possible time slots and then they often randomly change the time slot with no advertising. With a couple of the shows they killed, they aired the episodes out of order.

I have a theory that Fox absolutely hates lesbians. You will see why in a minute.

Shows you probably missed.
1. Wonderfalls. This show was only on air for four episodes. Because, yes it was on Fox. The basic premise of the show is that this underachieving girl who works in a gift shop is suddenly given orders by random toy animals, ping flamingos, and the like. Their little orders, while seemingly random, eventually lead to the main girl helping other character's lives get better. It sounds stupid, but it's not. The writing is incredibly good and funny, the charachters are lovable... but alas the main character's sister is a lesbian. So Fox canceled the show. You can get it on DVD.

2. Firefly. This show has an enormous cult fanbase so I barely need to advertise it here. It's a sci-fi western by the wonderful Joss Whedon, (who, it should be noted, scripted the first lesbian sex scene). Fox also murdered this show. The box set is very popular, so you can probably find it at a Blockbuster, if you don't like to buy things.

The Great Six. My favorite six canceled shows. In order
6. Arrested Development.
This show has a very specific audience, but it is one of my favorite straight comedies ever. I laugh more at this than Seinfeld. It is the story of the Bluth Family, a dysfunctional rich family that lost everything. The show has very quirky characters, like Gob the magician, and Tobias the never- nude former analrapist (both an analyst and a therapist) turned actor. The show eventually begins to use more inside jokes than anything so it's best if you start from the beginning.
5. Veronica Mars
This is a show that you really have to watch from the begining to get into. But once you get into it will hold you until the writing gets lazy in the third season and you are telling yourself "I love the characters, I love the charachters" so you can survive it. Seriously though the first two seasons are so wonderfully crafted, you find yourself stunned and often in tears.
4. Pushing Daisies
A cute quirky comedy about a piemaker who can raise the dead. This show is ingenious, the characters are so unique and I found myself loving all of them from the knitting detective to the the waitress (played by Kristen Chenowith, nuff said). The show makes me laugh every time I see it.
3. Dead Like Me
About George Lass, who becomes a grim reaper after she is hit by a toilet seat that fell from space. The deaths in this show are insanely creative and the dialogue is extremely witty and well written. "It's not about homeland security you stupid motherfucker I'm gunna get a friend!"
2.Angel
Basically this is a Buffy spinoff that took on a bit of a darker tone and ended up turning out to be almost as good as it's parent show which I will now fangasm about.
1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The. Best. Show. Ever. Honestly it has love, it's hilarious, it has action, drama, song singing, lesbians... Everything about this show is incredible. The title basically explains the premise. It's about a girl named Buffy who is, in fact, a vampire slayer. But it is about so much more than that. Every episode had me loving the characters more and more until I was riding on the emotional rollercoaster along with them. Favorites include Willow and Anya. If you like dialog, you will love this show. If you like action, you will love this show. If you have the smallest amount of good taste in your body, you will love this show. Go watch it, go buy seasons 1-7 and watch every last one of them. I order you to do so.

Okay I need to wrap this up so these will be shorter.
Sexy Shows
House
This is the best Medical drama on air. Period.
30 Rock
I love this show. It's simply hilarious
South Park
Still just as genius as it was years ago.
Weeds
Amazing, but it is on showtime, so you may not get it on your cable, if you do have showtime, watch this show.
United States of Tara
Another showtime show, you should definitely check it out.
Supernatural
A Buffy knock off, but good nonetheless
Glee
Despite the fact that almost everyone likes it, this show is good.
Bones
The only crime show I can bare anymore.

Unsexy Shows
Lost
Way to overcomplicated. It is also full of plotholes and obnoxious fans
Anything Reality TV, exclding American Idol and my guilty pleasure Bachelor

I don't even know of the existence of other bad TV shows...

One last thing is anyone else sad about iCarly getting canceled? Way to ruin the television for children. Anyway tomorrow I talk about fox news.

Omegladdicted

Today I'm going talk about Omegle. It's a stranger chat website that I LOVE. No seriously it's amazing. You go on there and you get to talk to complete idiots. Like this person.

Stranger: ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW TO STOP YOUR TYPING FROM BEING IN ALL CAPS?

Stranger: I SEEM TO BE HAVING A PROBLEM

You: press the''Caps Lock" key
Stranger: Oh... thanks
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You get to talk to random horny people.
Stranger: Hey sexy girl!
You: Hey sexy 47 year old man.
Stranger: Please. I'm only 43
Stranger: Tell me about your boobs.
You have disconnected.

But best of all you get to have absolutely ridiculous conversations: Like these 7
Touched by an Angel

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

Stranger: where are you from?

You: Heaven.

You: I am an angel here to protect young girls from pedophiles

Stranger: you are joke

You: give me your full address so I can make sure no pedophiles get it.

Stranger: oh ,so tell me where are you from please~~~!

You: And tell me what times you are alone at so I can keep them away

You: I told you I am an angel! I am from the tips of gods fingers.

Stranger: yeah ,always

You: Now tell me where you live so I can rape you

You: I mean protect you

You: from being raped

Stranger: china,can you see me ?

You: yes

Stranger: so ,what color my clothes is?

You: I can only see your beautiful face in glimpses from our heavenly father.

You: I see your inner self. You naked.

Stranger: i hate you ^

You: This does not matter you must be raped by your protector,

You: I mean protected from your rapist

Age difference doesn't matter I guess

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi asl'

You: Hi 23 male USA

Stranger: cool

You: What about you?

Stranger: 12 f florida

You: 12? Shouldn't you be in bed by now?

You: MY BED?

Stranger: nahhh

Stranger: \depends whatcha look like
(HOLY CRAP 12 year olds. Interested. In 23 year olds. WTF)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

I admit I was inspired by 6
Stranger: hey

Stranger: asl?

You: 7 f tragically not in your pants

Stranger: Oh yeah!
You: Dude you are fucking creeper.
Stranger: What? Can't a guy be horny?

Kitty roleplaying

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey there

You: Hey are you a boy or a girl

Stranger: what are you?

You: It is quite obvious that I a fluffy white kitten

Stranger: My name is Stacey

You: Oh I see you are a crossdresser

Stranger: why do you say that?

You: Work those hairy legs in a dress!

Stranger: why do you think that?

You: Stacey it's obviously a crossdresser name. That's worse than the name Yolanda!

Stranger: how would know so much about it? what's your name?

You: Mittens

Stranger: cute

Stranger: are you a boy a girl kitty?

You: The bad veteranarian cut off my junk so it doesn't really matter anymore

Stranger: i see. why are you on omegle mittens?

You: Because I was lonely. My owner has 27 other cats and she completely ignores me

Stranger: don't you want a new owner?

You: I do, I do

You: Will you be my owner?

Stranger: i'd love a new kitty yes

You: OH MY GOD THIS STACEY MAN-GAL WANT'S MY PUSSY!

Most of my other ones weren't this fun. I just thought I''d share some as a break from my normal blogs. Anyway. Omegle is awesome. And I wil lhave a real blog tommorow. It will be a Sexy Tuesday. Because I totally forgot Sexy Saturday.

Sort of boring day

I was going to blog about the mystical love that I fell in today because I posted that thing on here, but alas, life is crap. Today is a straight up blog about my life, but I will try to be funny about it.
I had to go to church, which would be a good thing/bad thing/WHY IS MY LIFE SO COMPLEX?/sort of interesting. But alas when one is forced to go to something they do not care about and none of the few friends they have who attend said event are at said event... okay let me make this as simple I went to church which I, as what some might call a filthy heathen and denier of our lord and savior Jesus Christ who died to save your sins you ungrateful little wrench, do not particularly enjoy attending church. My parents said that we have to go to church as a family but I don't have to go to the same church. First of all WTF kind of logic is that? Second I decided to go to a church someone I had been asked out by once before attended. Said person who I shall henceforth refer to as Cuddles94, had asked me out on a weekend I was scheduled to attend to orthodontist on. The orthodontist seems like a crap excuse to dodge a date. Not in my house.
More WTF logic from my parents: since we moved Robert in the middle of his braces sentence, we should not find a new orthodontist, but instead waste entire Saturdays driving eight hours to and from the orthodontist. With pointless short breaks, which my stepdad defines as about 30 minutes of me sitting in the car alone while he chats up the elderly.
Anyway long story short there was a French club party, and Cuddles94 was like "You should totally make such and such recipe that is time consuming so that I will attend this party, otherwise I will not go. I am totally not fucking lying right now and certainly do not actually have plans to coffee with someone else after school tommorow, if I was I would tell you and this would be noncomplicated and your vengeful streak won't have to battle your attraction and genuine liking of me later on." Long story short. People lie. But I didn't let on that this totally rubbed me the wrong way and still haven't.

Then I got to see Cuddles94 struggle under the pressures of the new relationship. Until the rents totally find out about a little presex funtimes, and Cuddles94 felt the sting of long term punishment. When the txt... to a friend of Cuddles94 ended their short lived relationship. I was able to taste the sweet air of karma and the wonderful words "Na na na na! That's what you get jerkface!"

Anyway Cuddles94 goes to the church and recently broke through the rent's watchful eyes to send people Facebook messages. Then I get one about attending the church again, and I get my hopes up for an interesting Valentines and Cuddles94 is a no show.

BLUGH. Wow human race Wow.

Short blog.

This will be the last love themed blog for a long while anyway, unless I like fall in love tommorow or something because I think everyone including me is getting sick of them. This blog will be short because my parents love me and I must go to a church even if it is not the one they go to because God will heal my life and make everything better. His method of doing this is strange, it seems to involve synchronized singing badly, putting on ugly clothes under the pretense that they are nice, and waking up ridiculously early. Today will just be about some interesting things about love and relationships, which I will comment on using some humorous explanations.

Fisrt thing I would like to say: Did you know that being in love actually releases a chemical similar to amphetamines? That's right love is crystal meth. That's probably why all meth addicts are trailer park dwellers with no friends, family, or cats. Because when you are in love you get all the fun times of drugs, without looking like you can't spell the word dentist.

Ain't ya spell that D-N-T-47?

A lot of people know that the longest time any two people have ever been in a relationship for is recorded to be 85 years of marriage? Did you know this is also the longest recorded time that a human has not had sex? All the virgins die before 84 from meth amphetamine related accidents. The shortest recorded relationship lasted for .0000012 seconds when man asked a girl out and received a yes at the exact moment the woman was eviscerated by a passerby. *BS ALERT*

Paraphilia is sexual attraction to strange things. In order to qualify as a paraphilia, the perversion has to be recored in only a very small number of people. I am going to list some of my favorites:
Pyrophilia: Sexual attraction to fire. This is possible impractical perversion I can possibly imagine.
Ursusagalmatophilia. Sexual attraction to stuffed animals. This perversion is present in all teenage boys as when they see stuffed animals they feel the need to set up elaborate sex scenes and video tape them.
Nasophilia- Attraction to noses. The bigger the better.
Dendrophillia- Attraction to trees. A haiku
Sexytime splinters
Skiddillydoo porcupine.
OW! My effing junk


I don't want to end on a sexual note so let me go with Shakespearean one.

Did you know that Shakespeare's most famous love sonnet was written to a man? Yes. "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" was written for the Earl of South Hampton. While Shakespeare would seem, through his sonnets, to fall in love with this man, he eventually gives up on a relationship with him because he wants the Earl to have some babies.
Later Shakespeare would go on to fall in love with the dark lady to whom he wrote several of his most popular love sonnets to.

Hmm I still feel like I need to say something to wrap this up so I am going to go for a personal note.
I've never fallen in love because I haven't had the opportunity. Maybe one day soon an opportunity will knock, but I am past the days where I will whine because I do not have anyone in my life. (At least until the next five days on and before Valentines day). I am above posting chain messages saying that I will get a kiss this Valentines day.

Don't read this, it really works
1. Say your name five times.
2. Say your crushes name five times.
3. spin around seven times while saying "Love is Everywhere"
4. Post this to your blog or send to five people in the next hour and your crush will ask you out on Valentines day. If you don't you will be chained up in a public bathroom and whipped and raped by leather clad insane lesbians until you are unable to have children.

Or attending a certain church just because someone I like goes there. *cough* *cough*. Well if I have to go to one I might as well go to one with benefits right?

Or sending myself a rose...

Or blogging about love for a week just to whine about my frustrations with my life.

Yeah I'm perfectly well adjusted!

All the Single Roberts...

The next three days I will be talking about Valentines related things, or as I prefer to call it, Singles Awareness Day
Twelve Perks of being single of Valentines day (or anytime)*sarcasm alert*
1. You never have to talk on the phone for seven hours trying to sound like you are not bored. Honestly I don't want to discuss plans for a relationship when I could be on Facebook desperately trying to find a friend.
2. You don't have to worry about buying the person presents. You can spend the money on self help books like Everyone Has Someone.
3. You can gaze at anyone's beauty you want to, then you can fail to have the enthusiasm to give yourself the joy of a fantasy.
4. You can hang out with your friends if you want to! You can all talk about how awesome it is to be together as friends and not as a healthy romantic couple.
5. You can listen to songs like "Imperfect is the New Perfect" or "Soar" and not feel like a loser, because those songs were probably legit written about you. You can sing along about how you are unappreciated and beautiful.
6. You can focus on school activities. You can have a 4.0 while all those people in relationships are... enjoying their lives! Screw them, you will succeed.
7. You can totally find your own reason to be happy, instead of relying on a person to bring you happiness. You can take up a hobby like singing (about how lonely you are), dancing (on a pole hoping someone will slip some cash into your underwear so you can feel appreciated), writing (depressing poetry) and drawing (tears on your face, in your leg blood).
8. You don't have to worry about STDs or Pregnancy or kissing or having a moment of pure bliss.
9. You don't have to go see crappy romantic comedies with someone. You can watch them alone.
10. You don't have gain weight by eating all those cheap chocolates. You can not eat anything and work out in hopes that you will be skinny enough to be loved.
11. You can worry if another person feels for you and have your heart crushed. And you can make those little sweet hearts candies. And give them all to yourself!
12. You can put your hands up when someone says ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

I am completely BSing this entire thins

Let's make one thing clear, I have the same amount qualification to talk about love that a seven year old Kenyan AIDS orphan has when they talk about... enjoyment of life. You know those Kenyans so fast that they win every race, except you know the human race because they're all poor and diseased. And will probably die screaming for God to have mercy on their starving souls.

That was altogether inappropriate. I am deeply, deeply sorry. But today I don't feel like using euphemisms. Honestly, sometimes you just want to say "she was wasted and this guy boinked her" instead of "he took advantage of her".

But anyway today's topic... Teenage Romance.
Ta ta oh ma God
Ben din Ti ne ski irts
Gi Na is in vew ew ew
Boner in my pants!

Todays topic is a little more serious or should I say Thuriouth Thurthday. (Please note I know absolutely nothing about these topics)
Commonly asked questions about teenage romance.

Do teenagers experience love or is it just lust?
This really depends on the person. But let me tell you a large number of teenage relationships start on a lustful impulse. All high school relationships begin with the guy getting a boner and then acting on that boner. He may go about this in the appropriate way and ask her out and spend time with her and eventually fall in love with her. If the guy however goes out with one of those skankanistas in the pom squad then he is just lusting. When a guy just bones the girl a couple of times, it's lust. If the guy goes on a few dates with the girl it is lust until proven love.
Girls typically begin relationships from a combination of a crush and a lust. And it develops from there.

Robert on the other hand begins relationships by crying and hiding in the corner of his room. Because he does not begin relationships. He ends them by looking at the face of the person he likes and seeing a no.

I have been dating this guy/girl for a long time when are we ready to have sex?
First of all I think you should wait until you are sure of their gender, if you don't know that you might be in for a problem when you start the sex. Next you should talk about it. If you feel like you're ready you should discuss it and use protection. USE PROTECTION. Honestly. Don't listen to the Catholic church. Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers. Just have enjoyable sex. It's not the most important thing in the world it's part of being a human. But it is dangerous and you should consider the risks and how ready you are to take those risks.

I feel attracted to someone and I think they like me? What do I do?
Walk up to the person you like and talk to them about something you have in common. If you don't know the person well enough to know what you have in common, then they don't like you back. At least not yet. Just find some reason to talk to the person other than love. When the person knows you exist everything is much easier .

Where is a good first ate location?
Go to a zoo or an aquarium. Anywhere but the movies. The movies ruins your ability to bond. Go bowling for all I care, just go somewhere where you can talk.

Our relationship is going sour. How can I break up with them and be a complete asshole about it?
10. Txt message them
9. Never talk to them again. Go start dating someone else. Gather all pictures of them and their possessions. Set them inside a box with dog poop and set it on fire on their doorstep.
8. Leave a trail of roses outside their house have them lead to a big poster board that says "I'm breaking up with you"
7. Tell them to get a tattoo of you, then when they are getting the tattoo tell the artist to write "(your name) just broke up with me permanently"
6. Kill their dog and carve the words " Let's stay friends" into the corpse.
5. Go to a sports game and tell them to put it up on the big board "Katherine will you break up with me?"
4. Go up in a hot air balloon and break up in the sky
3. 6 but with their grandmother
2. Wake them up and serenade/break up with them.
1. Kneel down and pull out a ring box. Inside place a small note that says "I'm breaking up with you."

This would happen to me

I know I said this was love week but shut your fecking face, I have a story to tell.
So I went up to my bonus room today, watched a little Pushing Daisies, yeah, it's awesome. I decided to go get a drink because I was thirsty. When I got to the door it didn't open. I tried it again. It still didn't open. I tried it for the next fifteen minutes screaming about how bad my life was and yelling for the cat or dog.

I immediately thought to slip something into the door to open it. That failed.

Then I realized we had the attic just next to the door, and I had the internet on the PS3. I looked up how to unhinge a door, THANK YOU eHow! And then realized that I needed a hammer and a screw driver like object. I found and tested several screwlike objects. I couldn't describe most of them. It had been at least thirty minutes now. But they were all wrong for different reasons. Then I found a Chinese sword. Of course I find a sword in my attic. I try to use this to wedge in between the the door. Then I started to slash at the door until I realized the sword was oiled so it couldn't cut anything, and that the door was, in fact, not a dragon.

So I return to the attic and eventually find a screwdriver. Where was it? Inside the ukulele Not under, not behind INSIDE the ukulele. The whole last place you expect thing was really starting to mean something to me. WHO THE CRAP PUTS A SCREWDRIVER INSIDE OF A UKULELE? I found a weird looking sledgehammer in a box... LABELED WINTER CLOTHES.

Then I took the door off it's hinges after battling a dragon and searching my attic like I was the fecking FBI. Went downstairs to get my drink. I grab a glass put it up to the ice machine... AND THE FRIDGE IS OUT OF FECKING POWER.

Then I got in the mood for more adventure. I missed the old days when stuff like this happened to me all the time so I went to the park with my dog Chance. Actually I am about to right now. Never ending story eh?

Actually it did end. I saw pot smoker in the park who may or may not have been Hate Crew members. And who may or may not have tried to get me to come over to them. Probably to sell me drugs, or mug me or gang rape me (Wouldn't it be ironic to loose my virginity the day after that blog?). I think I should have brought my new sword and killed me some Hate Crew guys. : D

I promised to have lists in every blog. Or at least I think I did. So here is today's list
Things I don't feel like doing today
1. Making a list.
2. Talking about love

Virginity.

Virginty. I happen to be a virgin and this is not entirely due to the fact that I do not have any good qualities in terms of looks. Only 75% of it is due to this fact. I happen to be saving myself for love.
For love? You may ask. Why not for marriage?
Because marriage is not for everyone and definitely not for me. You have to like... live with someone else that isn't a cat, dog, ferret, ball python, betta fish, capybara, and African Grey Parrot and mystical mermaid goat (my dreams are realistic). So I am going to save myself for love.

Basically this means I am not just in it to play around. I would actually want it to be a relationship that has lasted for longer than four months and I love the other person. Even then I would want to have fun in other ways before there is any contact with the special power. I think that is a reasonable goal. Saving yourself for marriage is not realistic. Face it, love is about sex. You don't love a person unless you, on an internal level want to have sex with them. But mutual love should be the litmus test. Jew know? Of course Jew knows, as Jews are notoriously often telepathic.

I encourage you not be a skank/ho/whore/jizz basket/easy girl/hussy/street walker/pavement princess/slut/llama mama. You aint no railroad, don't get laid just cuz you paid. And use safe sex unless you want children.

12 Antislut/ safe sex sayings or advice
1. Pet your dog not your date. (this could have very scary alternate meanings)
2. Score on the field not on your girl
3. If you give a guy a blowjob before you love him your lips will turn black and crowd of your elderly relatives will follow you around crying the loss of your soul to satan.
4. If he hasn't put a ring on it, make him put a thing on it.
5. Don't let him tap anything but the floor ... with his tap shoes... in order to impress you for his love.
6. (For guys) If you don't love anyone. Just fecking feck your pillow or like tame the lizard.
7. SEX - LOVE = DECAPITATION
8. Let's do some more math: Sex isn't addition, IT'S MULTIPLICATION. (Unless you are gay.) So the equation is (Boy)(Girl) = 3. Condoms and birth control pills are worth 1/3. Yeah pwned.
9. For Gay guys. Even if there is no chance for the very worst STD. Make sure you at least care about the guy. Hmm saying... saying. Don't take it up you rear, until you love him dear.
10. For lesbian. How does your sex even work? Until you can work out your love, you can't work out the serious confusion that is how you are going to have sex.
11. If they want your part
they gotta want your heart
Make'm love ya for you
And not for your skiddlydoo. ( that is sooo my new word for sex organs
12. (rap this out how you feel)
Want This? A rap by Robert Naylor

He say he want this, He say he want this
He wanna introduce himself to my Beatrice
But he don't love me, he wanna slice my muffin
But till he love me for me he ain't getting nothin'
Ya don't want romance, ya wanna play sex
And You don't even wanna play it with a latex
Do you just think it's in and out superfly
Sometimes one times one can multiply
To three, four, five, even eight
So either take out on a nice date
Chat me up, compare and contrast
See if our love can ever last
Wait a while before we start to touch things
Wait until ya tuggin on my heartstrings
And if that's too much for your plate
Well I hope you like to masturbate.
UGH YEAH!

The week if love

This week I am going with a love theme. Because it is Valentines day week. Today is love note day.
10 entirely ineffective love notes
1.
Do you like me? Circle
Yes No
From your Secret Admirer

2.
You know I happen to have a male sex part
And you happen to have a female sex part
The sex drive of teenagers is high
Let's get jugy with it baby,
And make a baby
Baby, Baby

3.
Sometimes i dream about you wrapped in leather bondings as I fill your craving for a large piece of man inside you. And you are like ripping your joints because you are this human pretzel of leather and stuff

4.
This isn't the only mail I'm sticking in your box this Valentines day.

5.
You know I like you a lot and I think you have a nice body.

6. Your lips are like the petals of roses
That tickles the scenting of noses
The way they part
Lights up my heart
And can you just fecking wrap them around my penis now.

7.
I love you more than I love my other sexual partners

8.
Yo Shaquaqua. You so fine you like you fucking Shawty or summn cuz you like a melody in my head and I gun to my holster and a toaster that puts out and a ho to put mah soldier boy inside of.

9.
FUCK ME OOOH BABY. IMA MAKE SEX EXPLOSION INSIDE YOU

10.
ILY


Sorry this blog wasn't very good.

Imagine an asian singing the Lollipop song.
Rorrypop Rorrypop ooh Rorry rorry Rorrypop Rorrypop ooh Rorry Rorry Rorry Rorry pop Buh buh bum bump.

Consider your day made.

Boxers or briefs?

Supremely Awkward Sundays
Today I am going to talk about men's underwear because I don't feel like acknowledging that I probably should be talking about football because I really don't care. Most of my readers are girls and they simply do not understand the ultimate question every man must answer?
Boxers, Briefs, or Boxer Briefs. Or thongs. or tights. Or nude underneath. Yes I am talking about all of those today so my female readers understand the difficulty of the choice. I happen to be an underwear expert.
When you choose underwear as a guy you must consider the one thing that women do not understand. I really don't think I should say it's proper name on thing blog so I will just call it by pet names this entire time. There are three main deciding factors for the underwear choice.
1.Sex appeal. Let's face it, underwear is just a blindfold to sexytime. But whoever the guy is having sex with will appreciate sexy underwear. If the rod of love is displayed beautifully in his casing then the underwear has definate good qualities. People who don't have good junk to display should probably go with less sexy underwear.
2. Comfort. Comfort is directly related to control. Boxers are the most comfortable underwear because they are very roomy, but they don't have any control personally I prefer more...
3. Control. The little friend like to dance around sometimes which is very uncomfortable. If the underwear is too loose everyone will know when Thunderstick is ready to strike. Tighter underwear is better for social situations and also prevents any movement.
4.Health. If a guy is trying to have kids he needs to wear something looser. Don't make me explain this. (This is not a real category, but it is something to consider)

So now lets review the underwear types.

Boxers
Sex Appeal: Low. While Boxers are the main choice of guys, this choice does very little in the way of sexiness. It does however, help avoid locker room laughs. As jocks are assholes and boxer fundamentalists.
Comfort: Decent. If the material is good they feel great. Unless Mr. Incredible gets dancey. Then they suck.
Control: Crappy. If Oscar Meyer gets happy he not be held back. If the barn doors are open the animals will escape, if you catch my drift.
Notes: Good for urinals. Then again urinals are not good for anything but getting stared at by creepy old men.


Briefs
Sex appeal: Potentially high. Good for showing off. but tighty wighties do not bring smiles to anyone. If you have a nice colored brief or a square leg brief then you are doing alright in this department.
Comfort: Depends. A snug feel is either liked or disliked. Personally I think it feels good to have everything held behind.
Control: The second best. The cheeky money wont pop up to say hello in these babies. This actually feels sort of nice to me. But let move on.


Boxerbriefs
Sex appeal. Higher that boxers lower than briefs
Comfort. Good. These will keep the giving tree in the ground but won't hold him in a tight embrace. These are the middle ground
Control: Good. These don't restrain him too much but they hold him back enough to keep him hidden and let him go a bit. This blog is soooo innapropriate

Thongs
Sex Appeal: High. But only if you are in a leather daddy bar.
Comfort: None to speak of. DO NOT ASK ME HOW I KNOW THIS I JUST FREAKING DO.
Control: Too much.

Nothing
Sex appeal: Unknown. It shows that you are just ready for action whenever
Comfort: Depends. If it's like jeans none, but dress pants aren't that bad. But you kind of start to rub a bit
Control: The most ever. If you believed that you are stupid.

So that was the most awkward thing ever. Personally I love a tight boxerbrief. That would look a bit like this. I love American apparel's underwear because the fabric is awesomeness. And there are lots of colors.
That was also the gayest blog I've ever made. Meaning like wanting to have sex with one of the models gay. God I hope this blog doesn't become popular overnight and my grandmother reads this. CAROLINE I AM WATCHING YOU!

Sexy Saturday: Music edition

That's right every saturady there will be a special edition where I share things that I like to everyone so they can steal my personal style.
Let's begin. Because I suck at transitions.
SEXY SATURDAY!!! WOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOO-SHOODA BOP BOP
Music Edition
I am going to start by saying I love weird music. If you Don't like my taste in music you are probably normal. I do like a lot of popular things too though I will have a section for that today. But I'll shut up and begin with category 1.
6 Songs I can't stop listening to that you may not have heard of:
6 Get Crazy, LMFAO
This song is about flashing boobs. No joke. Actual subject of the songs. But it is just about the most catchy thing I have ever heard. It is dance worthy, and hilarious and I coulsn't really ask for more.
5 I've Got Nothing, Chartjackers.
I may be a little biased because I was involved in helping make this song. But it is currently my ring tone. The fact that it is a cheesy love song makes it even better.
4 Beautiful, Dirty, Rich, Lady Gaga.
I don't know if this is fair to put in the song you haven't heard of since Lady Gaga is such a phenomenal hit. But this song is much less heard of than some of her more popular works. Personally, I think this one is my favorite.
3 Come Around, MIA
While I hate that Timberland is in this song, MIA's part of the song is good enough to earn a spot on this list. The songs sheer catchyness is the driving force of the song. I especially love the random mumbling.
2 Straight Outta Compton, Nina Gordon
This is an amazing concept. A rap song sung with a beautiful woman's voice. It works and it's hilarious. Hearing the phrase "cuz ice cube is crazy as fuck" sung with Nina Gordon's voice is priceless
1 My Hands, Leona Lewis
This song is just beautiful. It's been out for a while but You probably haven't heard it. (Unless you stalk the FFXIII website like I do. It's like number seven on my "To Stalk" list)


******
When I made this list I totally forgot to add "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional. And when I continue through this week I might add a sexy stuff section at the bottom of every post just in case I want to talk about more songs or something else.


Now lets examine the most popular artist right now (cough cough I looked at iTunes and listened to the top 50 cough) to judge their abilities.
Ke$ha
I already blogged about this. Completely shitty artist. But Blah Blah Blah has 3OH3! in it so that one isn't quite as awful
Lady Gaga
Totally fucking amazing. I would cut off my leg to see Lady Gaga in concert. Her music is ingenious and extremely fun to listen too. Dance value, musical value, everything is wonderful.
Black Eyed Peas
Good. Ignore the hype for I Gotta Feeling, Listening to that song is like listening to a woman giving birth to a rhino, because it is bad . Boom Boom Pow, Meet Me Halfway, and Imma be are wonderful
Lady Antebellum
If you have a slight taste in country, you will probably like her. She has a good voice at least
Train
Wonderful sound, can't really say too many bad things about them
Timberland
Timberland is extremely obnoxious sounding but they pair well with others
Pink
Good enough. Seriously can there be like an awful artist soon.
Justin Bieber
Oh shit. I just cursed myself. Yes. There can be an awful artist soon. Bieber sounds like an eight year old boy who just cut off his balls. And since when is repeating the word baby over and over again is NEVER acceptable except when during sex with children. Honestly. "baby. Baby. BABY. UGH." Was that too far?. Yes, yes it was. Now you will always think of that when you listen to the song. But instead the song sounds like a forth grader wrote a song based on the words on a Dora Valentine. The Guy isn't even legendarily cute like many of the other people who are popular based on looks alone. The guy sounds like a five second song on an iPod stuck on Replay
Iyaz
Ha. I see what I did there.
Boys Like Girls
What an ironic name for an emo type of band. unless you interpret it as boys that are like girls. Because emo heterosexual is a bit of an oxymoron. They are not awful though.
Owl City
Fireflies is a bit annoying but the rest of their music is good in my opinion
Taylor Swift
She went to my high school and she donated like 200,000 dollars and it went to the theatre department. So I have an enormous amount of respect for her. But I have to say that her voice is not the best I have heard. Her lyrics are very good. Also I would probably be expelled if I said she sucked. But seriously she isn't half bad.
Beyonce
She has a great voice. But the only songs from her I like is Single Ladies and Listen.

This blog wasn't that funny and for that I apologize. But I will be doing more of these. Next week i will pick a topic I know more about. TELEVISION!
Update:
I got the fish, I decided to name it Carl. I would add a picture but I don't want to.

Naylor out

The glass if full of depression

SIGH. The talent show act I, and the rest of the drama club, have been working on since September didn't make the talent show because "it was too long" or "we just felt like being fecking ridiculous today". I am going to write emo poetry now.
The Butterfly
The blackness of my corner paints my soul
As I fly high
High in the sky
Like a Butterfly.
My beautiful wings ignored,
And so,
I fly into the mouth of a frog.
And cry tears that flood the pond

Anyway I think I will make a special list today for anyone who is considering becoming an emo. (This list is completely sarcastic)

Becoming Emo. A how to guide.

Get into the look

1. Clothes. Take every clothing Item you have and sell it or set it on fire. You must make to mandatory pilgrimage to Hot Topic where you can buy black shirts and skinny jeans that squeeze your junk as hard as the guy in the Chucky Cheese costume did when you were little. What? That only happened to me!? Anyway, a shirt that advertises one of the bands listed in the music section.

2. Hair. Dye it black and throw some pink or electric blue in there. Then go out and buy a flat iron. Even if your hair is naturally straight, you can always use the hot plate to burn marks into your skin in order to feel the bliss of self inflicted pain. Straighten your hair. Then take some sort of spray and make your hair go crazy. The more you look like you just held balloons over your head the better.

3.Makeup. Girls and guys must both wear makeup. Take some eyeliner and make sure you look like a fecking raccoon. Wearing black lipstick is optional. If you are willing you can also pierce your face in odd places. Such as the middle of your forehead.

The attitude

4. Quit everything and hate everyone. Make sure that everyone hates you and you are not involved in anything. Emo is your life now. And your fellow sufferers are your new family.

5. Listen to music that sucks and is about being broken up with, or causing yourself pain. It really will help you get into the mood of being emo. Examples of some good (gosh awful) bans include Taking Back Sunday, Funeral for a Friend, Fall Out Boy, Squirrel Bait, and anything else off the wikipedia page I just looked at. These songs should arouse you sexually. Also expose yourself to depressing literature involving rape and Vampires. Manga is another great option.

6. Start writing poetry about the sorrows of your life. Don't have sorrows? Make them. If your parents made you clean your room, pretend that they are forcing you to destruct your artistic expression and how that crushes your soul.

7. Go sit in the middle of the rain without moving. This is the final test of having the emo attitude. Once you have experienced this you know exactly how you should behave all of the time. Moderately sad without speaking.

The true definition acts of being emo.

8. Form a band. Your band should be called something like "Blood Dripping Heart Love" any thing involving blood and a body part and romance, also include a verb. Though you can always come up with another depressing name, using these ingredients will help you come up with great names like "Bleeding Kidney Romance" or "Blood Raping Sex Appendix". Another great way is to name yourself after a method of death such as "Mudrape me" or "Toss me out the fecking window"

9.Go have sex with one of your same sex Fellow sufferers. Seriously it will make you so much more emo. If you happen to be gay, so have sex with an opposite sex fellow sufferer. Whatever your attracted too go have sex with what will please you the least so you can write a poem about how your sex life is unsatisfying.

10. Begin self mutilating.

I must say that People of Walmart is my favorite website ever. It has cheered me up so much today.

Thank you for reading my blog.

Fishes

I'm sort of pressed for time today because of a short story I had to retype up quickly. It's a depressing story about a fish for AP English. So I think I will share it. We had to use vocab words so I will define them. If you don't like glorified emo poetry do not read this story.
Snow Day

Ordinarily getting out of school for snow would be exciting (not in the sexual sense). Except when you happen to be a fish and the frozen water reaches it's clawed (this is figurative language water has no claws) into the middle of your school and sends you off alone into the middle of the lake. The idyllic (unrealistically perfect) world above the thin slashing tendrils (squiggles) of ice meant nothing to me as I tired to navigate to somewhere, anywhere where I could swim without fearing for my life. Where there was a crack in the ice (Meaning a break in the glass, not like White China ore whatever kids call it these days), there was the bill of an egregious (Evil, like fecking Cruela De Ville) crane waiting to taste the flesh of a fish foolish (stupid) enough to swim alone.

Once I saw the flicker of a fin in the distance and swam forward, only to find the water wrestling (a sport involving muscles and man panties) the thickness of blood and a fin clamped in the bill of a crane. The humans have an abstruse ( difficult to understand) definition of the phases after one discovers they will die. For fish there is one. Certainty. Not a hint of ambivalence (uncertainty) snaked through my veins (those bulgy blue things) as I touched my lips to the mother snapping turtle.

My last moment ended in a snap and a burst of joy (figuratively). A joy that steamed from the knowledge that the last thing I touched was skin (Sounds like a Murdrape victim). That my life ended to preserve (llamas are cool) another's, rather ( I kind of like puppies. The most. Ever.) than a hopeless thrashing through the jaws of death, to live for seconds (I'm allergic to eggs) more.

YAY DEAD FISHIES

Also I am getting a second fish. I really want a name that goes with Charleston. I am going to give a couple of options and you guys can help me choose.

Fish names:

1. Wallow. This kind of goes with Charleston because The Charleston was the dance of the twenties and wallowing in despair was the dance of the thirties.

2. Raquandelle. Because it seems like a good name.

3.Sumter. This is a duh sort of thing here.

4. Shugg. Making fun of Charleston.

Some nonrelated names

5. Rupert. After Giles.

6. CAAARL! From Llamas with Hats. If you don't know what this is go watch it now.

7. You come up with one!

I am going to assume that you are going to read this and comment upon it with a funny name.
Thanks for reading and commenting!

Yeah, school is crap

I was very lucky to have a six day weekend due to some snow this weekend and this time I was actually enjoying the fact that I was out. Last Snow break was right after Christmas break and I ran out of things to do while sitting in an emoty house within a few minutes, but this time the break was much needed. And I really don't want to go back to school
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm failing any classes or I have people who slam me against lockers in order to steal my hummus and pita chips (Yes I do bring strange foods to school). But there are a few things that I am really not looking forward to going back to... yeah, it's list time.
10 things I am not looking forward to returning to
1 We are studying imaginary numbers in Math IV. Honestly this isn't fecking Hogwarts, we don't study Narnia and North Dakota in Geography. Or Dragons in Biology. Or the literary value of the Twilight series in English. WT FECK School Curriculum. I don't care how many bubbles they have.
2 We are watching Hamlet in Shakespeare right now and the actor who played Malfoy is Hamlet. This is wonderful, except I am having this total fangasm throughout the 4 hour movie. Honestly I am going to die of happiness if we don't stop watching it. And the guy who played Pettigrew is Rozencrantz.
3 The lunch table I sit at is right in front of the table of the obnoxious. It has football players and a couple of popular girls. They enjoy the screaming about the next party that everyone who can hold more gallons of beer than a minifridge and talking about the funny things they did while intoxicated the following week. Examples of which include one of the football players singing Tik Tok to one of the girls and someone's make out session with a barstool.
4 The results of the talent show auditions will probably be decided on. The two acts I am working in have been meeting before Christmas to rehearse. If I don't make it, there will be someone getting boiled alive. I'm referring of course to Lobsters.
5 Getting up early. Sure school starts at 8 and I live less than five minutes away. But still. I have important morning rituals. I mean I have to exercise, take a shower, straighten my hair a little bit, put some product up in there... Then there is the difficult choice of which T-shirt I should wear. I mean I don't want to look like Hot Topic just barfed a pop culture reference all over me. I have to wear tasteful pants and a fun belt and different colored socks. Then there is the dancing to random songs while I wait for the time to go... but I might need to do a morning routine blog so I will finish this then.
6.The Obligation to be funny. Let's face it, everyone expects me to be funny. At least the people who actually matter. So what if I feel like being serious? People are like "I get it he is using mock solemnity haha. This is joyfully humorous. Robert tell the one about the walrus!"
7. Packing an unusual lunch. I have a reputation to maintain. If I brought PB and J sandwich everyone would think I have lost my marbles. As Peanut Butter when combined with Jelly improves the ability to find things. Weird food is the only way to go, the people at my lunch table always make fun of my scrumptious consumables and this must not change.
8. People. As I hate all gossip that doesn't directly concern me, I will avoid names here. There are just few people that are bothering me at the moment. First all there are several girls who like me at the moment. and only 100% of them are terrifying. There is also a bit of a complicated possible relationship thing possibly about to happen but again. This is the internet. Anyone I mention by name can and will be raped
9. I don't have any time for Neopets or video games or writing.
Can't feed pets, can't play games
Cause there is school tommorow.
(I Have to go sleep earlier)
Fr-fr-fr-frowny face, Fr-fr-frowny face
Fr-fr-fr-frowny face, fr-fr-frowny face
10. Crowded Hallways.

Naylor out

Day 1 of a year of blogs

Okay this is the first day of my everyday blogging. I will pick random topics every day and... Blog about them. If you read this and like this create an account and follow. And tell twenty four people or a girl with no face will hit you with turkeys while you sleep. Oh since my list format blogs seem to be the most effective I will be doing a lot of those.
Today's topic is BUBBLE BATHING AND SHOWERING
I don't know if this is unusual, but I love baths and showers. Sometimes I'll be perfectly clean and take a shower anyway because I'm bored. There is so much to love about showering and bubble bathing. I'm not going to try to make this transition smooth. The list shall begin now.
7 Great things about showering!
1. You can sing as loudly and as randomly as you want and no one will look at you like you are the sole destructive force on today's youth. Seriously when I sing outside the shower at my house everyone looks at me like I will be some sort of male escort in a few years.
2 You get to be NAKED! My house has a glass front door so I can't walk around with no clothes, and plus I have a cat and dog. Even in my room, my Betta fish looks at me like "WT Feck Robert, Put on some fecking pants!". I happen to love being naked. It's just enjoyable
3 You get to feel hot water run across your bare skin. It just feels good. It's like a sauna but you get like real water covering your skin instead of just the semen of the creepy guy sitting next to you condensation.
4 You get to feel clean. I mean you get to clean places that you didn't even know could get dirty and you walk out feeling wonderful.
5 Doing your hair in the shower! I used to have a mirror in my shower and I miss it dearly because I was able to style my hair in crazy ways and again no one is there to watch, plus you can just wash it way. Then you can shave in the shower too. and your little hair just go right down the drain! You can brush your teeth in the shower. You can pee in the shower. You can learn the Bad Romance dance in the shower. You can attempt to pick your nose with your toe in the shower. You can fall on your ass in the shower. The shower is a place of multitasking.
6 The shower doesn't use nearly as mush water as bathing and you get a much nicer hot feel to your water. Showering is much better than bathing. Unless there are bubbles involved
7 SCRUNGEES. I don't know what these things are actually called but I love them. They are these little balls of scrubby good ness that get all bubbly and you can wash yourself with them and feel awesome!

I also want to say that Bubble baths, when they are hot, are much better than showers. Because they have bubbles.

That's a pretty good argument for anything.

Why is Sarah Palin qualified to be on fox news?
Because they have bubbles

Why should gay marriage be illegal?
Because they have bubbles

See now these invalid arguments actually make a tiny amount of sense.

Anyway. That was the first blog of the 365 please comment. Follow and tell me what you think?
Naylor Out.