Omegladdicted

Today I'm going talk about Omegle. It's a stranger chat website that I LOVE. No seriously it's amazing. You go on there and you get to talk to complete idiots. Like this person.

Stranger: ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW TO STOP YOUR TYPING FROM BEING IN ALL CAPS?

Stranger: I SEEM TO BE HAVING A PROBLEM

You: press the''Caps Lock" key
Stranger: Oh... thanks
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You get to talk to random horny people.
Stranger: Hey sexy girl!
You: Hey sexy 47 year old man.
Stranger: Please. I'm only 43
Stranger: Tell me about your boobs.
You have disconnected.

But best of all you get to have absolutely ridiculous conversations: Like these 7
Touched by an Angel

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

Stranger: where are you from?

You: Heaven.

You: I am an angel here to protect young girls from pedophiles

Stranger: you are joke

You: give me your full address so I can make sure no pedophiles get it.

Stranger: oh ,so tell me where are you from please~~~!

You: And tell me what times you are alone at so I can keep them away

You: I told you I am an angel! I am from the tips of gods fingers.

Stranger: yeah ,always

You: Now tell me where you live so I can rape you

You: I mean protect you

You: from being raped

Stranger: china,can you see me ?

You: yes

Stranger: so ,what color my clothes is?

You: I can only see your beautiful face in glimpses from our heavenly father.

You: I see your inner self. You naked.

Stranger: i hate you ^

You: This does not matter you must be raped by your protector,

You: I mean protected from your rapist

Age difference doesn't matter I guess

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi asl'

You: Hi 23 male USA

Stranger: cool

You: What about you?

Stranger: 12 f florida

You: 12? Shouldn't you be in bed by now?

You: MY BED?

Stranger: nahhh

Stranger: \depends whatcha look like
(HOLY CRAP 12 year olds. Interested. In 23 year olds. WTF)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

I admit I was inspired by 6
Stranger: hey

Stranger: asl?

You: 7 f tragically not in your pants

Stranger: Oh yeah!
You: Dude you are fucking creeper.
Stranger: What? Can't a guy be horny?

Kitty roleplaying

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey there

You: Hey are you a boy or a girl

Stranger: what are you?

You: It is quite obvious that I a fluffy white kitten

Stranger: My name is Stacey

You: Oh I see you are a crossdresser

Stranger: why do you say that?

You: Work those hairy legs in a dress!

Stranger: why do you think that?

You: Stacey it's obviously a crossdresser name. That's worse than the name Yolanda!

Stranger: how would know so much about it? what's your name?

You: Mittens

Stranger: cute

Stranger: are you a boy a girl kitty?

You: The bad veteranarian cut off my junk so it doesn't really matter anymore

Stranger: i see. why are you on omegle mittens?

You: Because I was lonely. My owner has 27 other cats and she completely ignores me

Stranger: don't you want a new owner?

You: I do, I do

You: Will you be my owner?

Stranger: i'd love a new kitty yes

You: OH MY GOD THIS STACEY MAN-GAL WANT'S MY PUSSY!

Most of my other ones weren't this fun. I just thought I''d share some as a break from my normal blogs. Anyway. Omegle is awesome. And I wil lhave a real blog tommorow. It will be a Sexy Tuesday. Because I totally forgot Sexy Saturday.

Sort of boring day

I was going to blog about the mystical love that I fell in today because I posted that thing on here, but alas, life is crap. Today is a straight up blog about my life, but I will try to be funny about it.
I had to go to church, which would be a good thing/bad thing/WHY IS MY LIFE SO COMPLEX?/sort of interesting. But alas when one is forced to go to something they do not care about and none of the few friends they have who attend said event are at said event... okay let me make this as simple I went to church which I, as what some might call a filthy heathen and denier of our lord and savior Jesus Christ who died to save your sins you ungrateful little wrench, do not particularly enjoy attending church. My parents said that we have to go to church as a family but I don't have to go to the same church. First of all WTF kind of logic is that? Second I decided to go to a church someone I had been asked out by once before attended. Said person who I shall henceforth refer to as Cuddles94, had asked me out on a weekend I was scheduled to attend to orthodontist on. The orthodontist seems like a crap excuse to dodge a date. Not in my house.
More WTF logic from my parents: since we moved Robert in the middle of his braces sentence, we should not find a new orthodontist, but instead waste entire Saturdays driving eight hours to and from the orthodontist. With pointless short breaks, which my stepdad defines as about 30 minutes of me sitting in the car alone while he chats up the elderly.
Anyway long story short there was a French club party, and Cuddles94 was like "You should totally make such and such recipe that is time consuming so that I will attend this party, otherwise I will not go. I am totally not fucking lying right now and certainly do not actually have plans to coffee with someone else after school tommorow, if I was I would tell you and this would be noncomplicated and your vengeful streak won't have to battle your attraction and genuine liking of me later on." Long story short. People lie. But I didn't let on that this totally rubbed me the wrong way and still haven't.

Then I got to see Cuddles94 struggle under the pressures of the new relationship. Until the rents totally find out about a little presex funtimes, and Cuddles94 felt the sting of long term punishment. When the txt... to a friend of Cuddles94 ended their short lived relationship. I was able to taste the sweet air of karma and the wonderful words "Na na na na! That's what you get jerkface!"

Anyway Cuddles94 goes to the church and recently broke through the rent's watchful eyes to send people Facebook messages. Then I get one about attending the church again, and I get my hopes up for an interesting Valentines and Cuddles94 is a no show.

BLUGH. Wow human race Wow.

Short blog.

This will be the last love themed blog for a long while anyway, unless I like fall in love tommorow or something because I think everyone including me is getting sick of them. This blog will be short because my parents love me and I must go to a church even if it is not the one they go to because God will heal my life and make everything better. His method of doing this is strange, it seems to involve synchronized singing badly, putting on ugly clothes under the pretense that they are nice, and waking up ridiculously early. Today will just be about some interesting things about love and relationships, which I will comment on using some humorous explanations.

Fisrt thing I would like to say: Did you know that being in love actually releases a chemical similar to amphetamines? That's right love is crystal meth. That's probably why all meth addicts are trailer park dwellers with no friends, family, or cats. Because when you are in love you get all the fun times of drugs, without looking like you can't spell the word dentist.

Ain't ya spell that D-N-T-47?

A lot of people know that the longest time any two people have ever been in a relationship for is recorded to be 85 years of marriage? Did you know this is also the longest recorded time that a human has not had sex? All the virgins die before 84 from meth amphetamine related accidents. The shortest recorded relationship lasted for .0000012 seconds when man asked a girl out and received a yes at the exact moment the woman was eviscerated by a passerby. *BS ALERT*

Paraphilia is sexual attraction to strange things. In order to qualify as a paraphilia, the perversion has to be recored in only a very small number of people. I am going to list some of my favorites:
Pyrophilia: Sexual attraction to fire. This is possible impractical perversion I can possibly imagine.
Ursusagalmatophilia. Sexual attraction to stuffed animals. This perversion is present in all teenage boys as when they see stuffed animals they feel the need to set up elaborate sex scenes and video tape them.
Nasophilia- Attraction to noses. The bigger the better.
Dendrophillia- Attraction to trees. A haiku
Sexytime splinters
Skiddillydoo porcupine.
OW! My effing junk


I don't want to end on a sexual note so let me go with Shakespearean one.

Did you know that Shakespeare's most famous love sonnet was written to a man? Yes. "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" was written for the Earl of South Hampton. While Shakespeare would seem, through his sonnets, to fall in love with this man, he eventually gives up on a relationship with him because he wants the Earl to have some babies.
Later Shakespeare would go on to fall in love with the dark lady to whom he wrote several of his most popular love sonnets to.

Hmm I still feel like I need to say something to wrap this up so I am going to go for a personal note.
I've never fallen in love because I haven't had the opportunity. Maybe one day soon an opportunity will knock, but I am past the days where I will whine because I do not have anyone in my life. (At least until the next five days on and before Valentines day). I am above posting chain messages saying that I will get a kiss this Valentines day.

Don't read this, it really works
1. Say your name five times.
2. Say your crushes name five times.
3. spin around seven times while saying "Love is Everywhere"
4. Post this to your blog or send to five people in the next hour and your crush will ask you out on Valentines day. If you don't you will be chained up in a public bathroom and whipped and raped by leather clad insane lesbians until you are unable to have children.

Or attending a certain church just because someone I like goes there. *cough* *cough*. Well if I have to go to one I might as well go to one with benefits right?

Or sending myself a rose...

Or blogging about love for a week just to whine about my frustrations with my life.

Yeah I'm perfectly well adjusted!

All the Single Roberts...

The next three days I will be talking about Valentines related things, or as I prefer to call it, Singles Awareness Day
Twelve Perks of being single of Valentines day (or anytime)*sarcasm alert*
1. You never have to talk on the phone for seven hours trying to sound like you are not bored. Honestly I don't want to discuss plans for a relationship when I could be on Facebook desperately trying to find a friend.
2. You don't have to worry about buying the person presents. You can spend the money on self help books like Everyone Has Someone.
3. You can gaze at anyone's beauty you want to, then you can fail to have the enthusiasm to give yourself the joy of a fantasy.
4. You can hang out with your friends if you want to! You can all talk about how awesome it is to be together as friends and not as a healthy romantic couple.
5. You can listen to songs like "Imperfect is the New Perfect" or "Soar" and not feel like a loser, because those songs were probably legit written about you. You can sing along about how you are unappreciated and beautiful.
6. You can focus on school activities. You can have a 4.0 while all those people in relationships are... enjoying their lives! Screw them, you will succeed.
7. You can totally find your own reason to be happy, instead of relying on a person to bring you happiness. You can take up a hobby like singing (about how lonely you are), dancing (on a pole hoping someone will slip some cash into your underwear so you can feel appreciated), writing (depressing poetry) and drawing (tears on your face, in your leg blood).
8. You don't have to worry about STDs or Pregnancy or kissing or having a moment of pure bliss.
9. You don't have to go see crappy romantic comedies with someone. You can watch them alone.
10. You don't have gain weight by eating all those cheap chocolates. You can not eat anything and work out in hopes that you will be skinny enough to be loved.
11. You can worry if another person feels for you and have your heart crushed. And you can make those little sweet hearts candies. And give them all to yourself!
12. You can put your hands up when someone says ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

I am completely BSing this entire thins

Let's make one thing clear, I have the same amount qualification to talk about love that a seven year old Kenyan AIDS orphan has when they talk about... enjoyment of life. You know those Kenyans so fast that they win every race, except you know the human race because they're all poor and diseased. And will probably die screaming for God to have mercy on their starving souls.

That was altogether inappropriate. I am deeply, deeply sorry. But today I don't feel like using euphemisms. Honestly, sometimes you just want to say "she was wasted and this guy boinked her" instead of "he took advantage of her".

But anyway today's topic... Teenage Romance.
Ta ta oh ma God
Ben din Ti ne ski irts
Gi Na is in vew ew ew
Boner in my pants!

Todays topic is a little more serious or should I say Thuriouth Thurthday. (Please note I know absolutely nothing about these topics)
Commonly asked questions about teenage romance.

Do teenagers experience love or is it just lust?
This really depends on the person. But let me tell you a large number of teenage relationships start on a lustful impulse. All high school relationships begin with the guy getting a boner and then acting on that boner. He may go about this in the appropriate way and ask her out and spend time with her and eventually fall in love with her. If the guy however goes out with one of those skankanistas in the pom squad then he is just lusting. When a guy just bones the girl a couple of times, it's lust. If the guy goes on a few dates with the girl it is lust until proven love.
Girls typically begin relationships from a combination of a crush and a lust. And it develops from there.

Robert on the other hand begins relationships by crying and hiding in the corner of his room. Because he does not begin relationships. He ends them by looking at the face of the person he likes and seeing a no.

I have been dating this guy/girl for a long time when are we ready to have sex?
First of all I think you should wait until you are sure of their gender, if you don't know that you might be in for a problem when you start the sex. Next you should talk about it. If you feel like you're ready you should discuss it and use protection. USE PROTECTION. Honestly. Don't listen to the Catholic church. Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers. Just have enjoyable sex. It's not the most important thing in the world it's part of being a human. But it is dangerous and you should consider the risks and how ready you are to take those risks.

I feel attracted to someone and I think they like me? What do I do?
Walk up to the person you like and talk to them about something you have in common. If you don't know the person well enough to know what you have in common, then they don't like you back. At least not yet. Just find some reason to talk to the person other than love. When the person knows you exist everything is much easier .

Where is a good first ate location?
Go to a zoo or an aquarium. Anywhere but the movies. The movies ruins your ability to bond. Go bowling for all I care, just go somewhere where you can talk.

Our relationship is going sour. How can I break up with them and be a complete asshole about it?
10. Txt message them
9. Never talk to them again. Go start dating someone else. Gather all pictures of them and their possessions. Set them inside a box with dog poop and set it on fire on their doorstep.
8. Leave a trail of roses outside their house have them lead to a big poster board that says "I'm breaking up with you"
7. Tell them to get a tattoo of you, then when they are getting the tattoo tell the artist to write "(your name) just broke up with me permanently"
6. Kill their dog and carve the words " Let's stay friends" into the corpse.
5. Go to a sports game and tell them to put it up on the big board "Katherine will you break up with me?"
4. Go up in a hot air balloon and break up in the sky
3. 6 but with their grandmother
2. Wake them up and serenade/break up with them.
1. Kneel down and pull out a ring box. Inside place a small note that says "I'm breaking up with you."

This would happen to me

I know I said this was love week but shut your fecking face, I have a story to tell.
So I went up to my bonus room today, watched a little Pushing Daisies, yeah, it's awesome. I decided to go get a drink because I was thirsty. When I got to the door it didn't open. I tried it again. It still didn't open. I tried it for the next fifteen minutes screaming about how bad my life was and yelling for the cat or dog.

I immediately thought to slip something into the door to open it. That failed.

Then I realized we had the attic just next to the door, and I had the internet on the PS3. I looked up how to unhinge a door, THANK YOU eHow! And then realized that I needed a hammer and a screw driver like object. I found and tested several screwlike objects. I couldn't describe most of them. It had been at least thirty minutes now. But they were all wrong for different reasons. Then I found a Chinese sword. Of course I find a sword in my attic. I try to use this to wedge in between the the door. Then I started to slash at the door until I realized the sword was oiled so it couldn't cut anything, and that the door was, in fact, not a dragon.

So I return to the attic and eventually find a screwdriver. Where was it? Inside the ukulele Not under, not behind INSIDE the ukulele. The whole last place you expect thing was really starting to mean something to me. WHO THE CRAP PUTS A SCREWDRIVER INSIDE OF A UKULELE? I found a weird looking sledgehammer in a box... LABELED WINTER CLOTHES.

Then I took the door off it's hinges after battling a dragon and searching my attic like I was the fecking FBI. Went downstairs to get my drink. I grab a glass put it up to the ice machine... AND THE FRIDGE IS OUT OF FECKING POWER.

Then I got in the mood for more adventure. I missed the old days when stuff like this happened to me all the time so I went to the park with my dog Chance. Actually I am about to right now. Never ending story eh?

Actually it did end. I saw pot smoker in the park who may or may not have been Hate Crew members. And who may or may not have tried to get me to come over to them. Probably to sell me drugs, or mug me or gang rape me (Wouldn't it be ironic to loose my virginity the day after that blog?). I think I should have brought my new sword and killed me some Hate Crew guys. : D

I promised to have lists in every blog. Or at least I think I did. So here is today's list
Things I don't feel like doing today
1. Making a list.
2. Talking about love

Virginity.

Virginty. I happen to be a virgin and this is not entirely due to the fact that I do not have any good qualities in terms of looks. Only 75% of it is due to this fact. I happen to be saving myself for love.
For love? You may ask. Why not for marriage?
Because marriage is not for everyone and definitely not for me. You have to like... live with someone else that isn't a cat, dog, ferret, ball python, betta fish, capybara, and African Grey Parrot and mystical mermaid goat (my dreams are realistic). So I am going to save myself for love.

Basically this means I am not just in it to play around. I would actually want it to be a relationship that has lasted for longer than four months and I love the other person. Even then I would want to have fun in other ways before there is any contact with the special power. I think that is a reasonable goal. Saving yourself for marriage is not realistic. Face it, love is about sex. You don't love a person unless you, on an internal level want to have sex with them. But mutual love should be the litmus test. Jew know? Of course Jew knows, as Jews are notoriously often telepathic.

I encourage you not be a skank/ho/whore/jizz basket/easy girl/hussy/street walker/pavement princess/slut/llama mama. You aint no railroad, don't get laid just cuz you paid. And use safe sex unless you want children.

12 Antislut/ safe sex sayings or advice
1. Pet your dog not your date. (this could have very scary alternate meanings)
2. Score on the field not on your girl
3. If you give a guy a blowjob before you love him your lips will turn black and crowd of your elderly relatives will follow you around crying the loss of your soul to satan.
4. If he hasn't put a ring on it, make him put a thing on it.
5. Don't let him tap anything but the floor ... with his tap shoes... in order to impress you for his love.
6. (For guys) If you don't love anyone. Just fecking feck your pillow or like tame the lizard.
7. SEX - LOVE = DECAPITATION
8. Let's do some more math: Sex isn't addition, IT'S MULTIPLICATION. (Unless you are gay.) So the equation is (Boy)(Girl) = 3. Condoms and birth control pills are worth 1/3. Yeah pwned.
9. For Gay guys. Even if there is no chance for the very worst STD. Make sure you at least care about the guy. Hmm saying... saying. Don't take it up you rear, until you love him dear.
10. For lesbian. How does your sex even work? Until you can work out your love, you can't work out the serious confusion that is how you are going to have sex.
11. If they want your part
they gotta want your heart
Make'm love ya for you
And not for your skiddlydoo. ( that is sooo my new word for sex organs
12. (rap this out how you feel)
Want This? A rap by Robert Naylor

He say he want this, He say he want this
He wanna introduce himself to my Beatrice
But he don't love me, he wanna slice my muffin
But till he love me for me he ain't getting nothin'
Ya don't want romance, ya wanna play sex
And You don't even wanna play it with a latex
Do you just think it's in and out superfly
Sometimes one times one can multiply
To three, four, five, even eight
So either take out on a nice date
Chat me up, compare and contrast
See if our love can ever last
Wait a while before we start to touch things
Wait until ya tuggin on my heartstrings
And if that's too much for your plate
Well I hope you like to masturbate.
UGH YEAH!