Depressing blog

I'm sick of watching every single thing I do become a futile attempt to reach some goal that was never reachable in the first place. I'm sick of having floors ripped out from under me and feeling the expectations of my reputation forcing me to find a place to stand in the air. But most of all, I'm sick of being ignored, of having people talk down to me, and treating me like some sort of ball of ignorance that they have to conceal their true feelings from. Of every euphemism and subtle hinting, of gestures and looks that people think I'm blind to.

I'm not a perfect person. I talk too much, I'm occasionally so pompous that I want to punch myself in the face, I'm not very attractive, I have an intense guilt complex, I procrastinate, and I have a tendency to lie to myself and others to avoid a conflict. But I don't hate people for no reason and if I did I would at least have the decency to tell them. And I most definitely don't do anything bad enough to deserve half of the stuff that I am forced to deal with.

I'm not claiming that my life is harder than anyone else's, far from it, but it does happen to on occasion suck beyond the telling of it. People seem to always have advice for me, and I am sick of hearing people tell me “There will be worse times” or implying that I don't know how the difficulties of life. I know what it feels like to be manipulated, to have my name slandered, to watch something I have put all of my time and effort into crumble before my eyes, to be forced to beg for the death of one of the things I loved the most, to be seen as too weird to communicate with, to be needed too much, to be hated, to be hated by a large group of people, to live through a time where every loud noise sounds like a gunshot and the death of someone I care about, to be discriminated against, to be betrayed, to be poor enough to get excited about going to a fast food restaurant, to have plentiful amounts of money but nothing to buy that has even the slightest potential to satisfy me for even a moment, to have things abruptly change, and to have every constant torn from my life. And most of all I know what it feels like to be a human fucking being and to have problems and to deal with them to the best of my ability.

Right now, I'm facing several enormous problems. The only course of action is as it's always been deal with what you can, let the rest sort it self out. But there isn't much I can deal with. And everything that will “sort itself out” will be sorted into a long road of pain that I will have to smile through because that is the only thing I know how to do. They say that pain is a learning experience, that there is a lesson to be found in suffering. But how many loves do I have to watch shatter to learn that love is meant to shatter? How many of my hopes have to be crushed for me to learn that hope is closest I will ever come to my desired result?